A Chef You'll Never Cook
by AagwaMiyusu
Summary: Lichtenstein was dancing. How did she manage to float? Where did she get that hat? Swiss was staring at the monstrous speed Lichtenstein was cooking. Austria was already a frugal person. Thank God for Prussia. At least he stocked up the fridge, the pantry and the wine cellar.
1. A Side You'll Never See

**A Side You'll Never See**

* * *

><p>Germany stared at Italy. It was his 5th plate. This half-an-hour.<p>

And Germany just wanted to bang his head somewhere on a wall.

The 5th plate of spaghetti or pasta as Italy had delicately differentiated, was now being devoured by Italy. Frankly speaking Germany never saw Italy obsessed with something so…inanimate.

No that was wrong. Italy just never obsessed over anything.

No wait; how could Germany forget the damn white flags.

He smacked his hand on his forehead as hard as he could, imagining his palm to be a substitute for the wall. Germany was turning old. He must've forgotten the obvious thing.

Italy stuck the flag to his head as a cap, for Chopin's sake.

Italy was having his 6th plate now. He didn't even bother with the napkin. Like, there were blotches of sauce all over his mouth. Germany was at the end of tears, watching good old table manners go down the drain.

Japan was crazy. Psychotic even. What the hell possessed Germany to listen to the man's idea?

Like, letting Italy do whatever he wanted for a day didn't scream murder. And Japan thought it'd be good, since later he'd be content enough to listen to Germany for once.

Germany silently predicted that Italy would be sleeping the next day, whole day, instead.

He looked at the…man.

Germany could proudly say that he was ashamed to call Italy even a man.

So, he decided on…boy.

So, he looked at the…boy and sighed.

Italy had so much potential.

And so much energy in store.

Germany steeled his thoughts and for now, threw Japan's idea out the window.

So, as an idiot would do, he snatched the plate of food from Spain who was serving and threw that out of the restaurant's window. Greece's cats were pawing at the food now.

A satisfied smile plastered on Germany's face. Frankly speaking, you could call it his rapist grin.

Prussia and Japan, who were sitting and watching as spectators, slowly moved their chair to the side, moving far, far away from Italy's table.

Or cowering away, as I put it so.

Because Italy's face was akin to Hades from hell. Or maybe Cerberus. Nah, Hades better. Reminds me of Hercules.

* * *

><p>Somewhere, Greece sneezed.<p>

* * *

><p>Anyways, with an expression of Hades, Italy AKA Feliciano cracked the fork he was holding in half. Did we mention that it was made out of steel? Well, we just did.<p>

Germany heard the crack, and whipped his head around, just in time to see Italy smiling.

Little did Germany know, it was his very rare and hard to find rapist smile.

So, Italy screamed his name and ran over to his side, smiling the very freaky smile that made Prussia's mirrors crack into two. Prussia was crying meanwhile.

Japan was consoling him.

Spain however, went to search for Romano. He'd know what to do. Spain thinks…

* * *

><p>Germany was know being dragged into a forest which appeared out of nowhere. He should be feeling proud damnit!<p>

But he couldn't help but feel that somebody hated him right now.

And then, with a word of encouragement, Italy pushed him out to a clearing, smiling and waving his hands.

All the while shouting to get to the other side, for the 'surprise.'

Germany sighed and ran a gloved hand through his hair. Childish Italy.

So, he did what he was told, just so he could know what exactly the surprise was.

Little did lil Germany know, there was a sign post conveniently hidden by Italy. It read 'America's battlefield; Keep out.'

It could decide his life, for all we know.

So, Germany stepped forward.

And exploded. Well, the mime underneath did.

And Germany thus turned into the Thanksgivings turkey. As he turned around for Italy, he saw an electric fence instead. And a 10ft high brick wall.

Germany thought he was in boot camp.

Again.

There was a siren ringing and before Germany knew it, he was running across the field, trying not to be the target of the jetfighter's missile.

Which was right above his head.

And seconds later, there was a louder siren alarm, as a bomb dropped down the hatch in the said plane.

* * *

><p>5 minutes later, Germany managed to explode.<p>

Every mime on the field of course.

And standing there in front of him laughing like a maniac was England while America asked him questions based on 'improving' the battlefield.

Germany just stood there with wafts of smoke climbing the air.

If Prussia was anywhere nearby, he would've been laughing like a maniac as well. And recording the entire event just to post it up in his blog.

Germany didn't know what to explain to Austria as he reached home and had Hungary tend to his wounds.

He had to wear a full body cast.

As predicted, Prussia just laughed like a maniac. And recorded the event as well.

The one time Germany managed to see Italy as he made his way home, well, he didn't know how to describe the situation.

Italy was poking a voodoo doll that strangely resembled dear Germany.

That explained the pokes in his butt. But Germany didn't show it.

* * *

><p>The next minute, and the one week forth, Germany made Austria and Hungary promise that they wouldn't let Italy enter the house.<p>

They promised as told, and when they asked why, all they received was a glare so cold, that even Holland would've freeze up.

Unbeknownst to the full-cast wearer, Prussia _wasn't_ promised by the said person.

He let in Italy as the nurse the very next hour.

Italy never had this much fun while cooking.

But that's an entirely different matter now, isn't it?

* * *

><p><strong>Yaay~ Our first Hetalia fic. :D Always wanted to try this new baby style. Don't know if it suits us.<strong>

If I actually get time, I'd even type out the next chappy if possible. You know, about the nursing thing. xD

**And if possible, again, we'd actually do ASYNS's on other characters as well. :D **


	2. A Song You'll Never Hear

**A Song You'll Never Hear**

* * *

><p>Prussia opened the door happily as Italy stepped into the house with a 'Ve.'<p>

His 'Ve' caused thousands of hearts, sparkles and flowers to be thrown on the floor.

Austria would be complaining now, wouldn't he?

Or was it Hungary?

Prussia gulped, and then quietly walked away into the kitchen advising Italy to do the same.

Italy followed, a large luggage trailing behind.

Prussia said nothing, after all, the nurse required his medical stuffs, don't they?

The happy brother smiled and instructed for soup to be made.

Italy only 'Ve'ed and then ran about the kitchen, taking a recipe book from out of nowhere.

He only rape-smiled when Prussia skipped out the room.

* * *

><p>Upstairs, Germany sneezed and felt his lungs relocate to his stomach.<p>

* * *

><p>Prussia jumped up the stairs, two at a time.<p>

He looked around the landing, seeing if Austria or Hungary were anywhere nearby.

The coast being clear, he punched a painting sitting innocently on the wall.

* * *

><p>France felt his heart break, meanwhile.<p>

* * *

><p>It turned out to be a secret panel instead of glass and canvas.<p>

And what it opened was a door.

Prussia skipped into the door.

And the door shut behind him.

And the awesome Prussia stared at his karaoke room, fangirly-smile in place.

* * *

><p>Cinnamon, garlic, sugar, spice, and everything not so nice.<p>

In fact, even worm cheese was used, along with some rotten fish.

Italy just smiled as he churned the cauldron.

AKA the pot, o'course.

* * *

><p>England sniffed the air suspiciously. Somebody was thinking about his things.<p>

* * *

><p>And that shall teach Germany, mehehe, thought Italy.<p>

As he added pocky too.

* * *

><p>Poland was meanwhile crying.<p>

* * *

><p>Germany stared at his ceiling.<p>

It was white.

And so was the cast.

He cried a bit.

Internally.

And that's when his nose picked up the scent.

The scent of hatred.

The scent of evil.

The scent of Romano's socks.

And literally he could see the green moldy air that always was created due to Romano's socks.

Someone was either boiling them or burning them.

Germany shuddered at the other possibilities.

Poor soul.

* * *

><p>Romano meanwhile, was searching for his socks when Spain burst through his door.<p>

He shot Spain and continued to search like nothing occurred.

Spain just acted like the dead as he was supposed to be.

* * *

><p>Hungary was roaming through the corridors when she heard the mysterious head banging on the wall again.<p>

Well, it's supposed to be only 'banging.'

But the agony!

Hungary could almost feel it!

The pain the head felt banging at the wall o'course.

And that's when she happened to see a crooked portrait on the wall.

It was Austria's.

With a sigh, she fixed the portrait.

It felt even more crooked.

Hungary shook her head, and fixed the portrait.

It didn't fix.

And after 54 tries, Hungary punched the portrait in rage.

What the previous person couldn't do, this woman did.

The portrait cracked and dug into the wall, Austria's face still smiling.

And opening the secret door as well.

When Hungary stood in front of the door, her clothes tore away from the force of the screaming, hissing and head-banging.

She did no reaction other than stare.

* * *

><p>Prussia, who was in middle of his 'Amazing Me's chorus, stopped and stared.<p>

And stared.

And stared.

And then bled all over the carpet from the amount of nudity in front of him.

Hungary, still frozen, just stared, as the song's hard drums rang through the corridor.

* * *

><p>Italy stood outside Germany's door.<p>

He sprayed three bottles of air freshener on the soup before going in his room.

When the soup didn't smell bad, he kicked the door open.

Ve.

Germany heard that word echo ominously as he quaked in his cast when the door banged loud enough to send Russia out of his pants.

* * *

><p>Russia sneezed as he stripped out of his clothes for a bath.<p>

Kol.

* * *

><p>Italy stood there in his female's nurse costume, holding a bowl soup that had a skull and bones picture hovering on top.<p>

Perpetually.

Somewhere, in the dark recesses of his mind, a creepy voice was counseling him on where he went wrong.

* * *

><p>Years later, Germany would still remember the day he had the 'Diarrhea Implosion.'<p>

* * *

><p>For now, Italy was forcing Germany to open his trap so that he could feed the damn thing, ve!<p>

Germany's creepy voice told him not to drink that damn thing no matter what happened.

He couldn't agree any less.

* * *

><p>On the other hand, Prussia was receiving spankings from Hungary about what to obsess on.<p>

And not to.

While the Hungarian was naked o'course.

And that's when Prussia blurted out about her obsession.

Hungary's blush put New Zealand to shame.

She looked that adorable.

Her obsession?

That's an entirely different matter now, isn't it?

* * *

><p><strong>Yaay, the second chapter! :D This is obviously Prussia's ASYNH, lol~ <strong>Now then, enjoy~ And tell me some more names to do the original ASYNS on other characters. Right now, Hungary is coming, o'course~

**Enjoy, ve~**


	3. A Room You'll Never Enter

**A Room You'll Never Enter**

* * *

><p>Austria was entering his own house.<p>

He opened le door.

And dark gloomy aura ooze flowed out.

He poked at it in fear of who was producing it.

Probably either Prussia from seeing an omelet.

Or.

Hungary.

Austria silently backed away, into the carriage awaiting him.

He bumped into Hungary.

With a squeal, she held him by his arm.

Hearts overflowed.

Austria cried.

She dragged him into the ooze.

* * *

><p>Prussia was sobbing as he stared at his karaoke machine.<p>

The mic was just a stick.

No ball.

Poor ball.

Prussia let another sob out.

* * *

><p>Germany was puking.<p>

In the toilet.

With the cast and all.

He fainted.

So, now he's ejected.

From the story, o'course.

* * *

><p>Italy was now reset.<p>

He resumed to cleaning the toilet.

Cleaning for Austria was a habit.

After all.

Scrub, scrub, all around Germany.

Scrub-a-dub-dub.

* * *

><p>Austria stared all around.<p>

Why did he never knew anything about _this_?

It was in his house, damnit!

Hungary pulled him in.

Just like when they used to be tiny lil people.

But this room was way too weird for even Poland!

* * *

><p>Poland meanwhile hugged his huge pink teddy as he sneezed.<p>

Whom he named Petra.

Yes, Pixie.

No, not Peter.

It was Po.

The Bleep.

* * *

><p>Pink, frills, shrills.<p>

Huge ceilings, huge windows.

All shadowed by the pinkness and hugeness of the teddy bears.

There was a numerous other dolls too.

He saw plenty of small toys as well.

And he shivered.

How come he never knew of this?

No wonder Prussia was scared of her.

Any guy would be after seeing the pinkish horror!

Hungary had a certain sparkle in her eyes.

Like as if she'd seen meat.

Sweet meat.

And she was chanting words, just like how Russia would do.

Instead, it was something along the lines of 'teapartyteapartyteaparty-'

* * *

><p>Russia meanwhile, sneezed in his bathtub.<p>

He was busy playing with his Soviet Union Tank and Mr. Duck.

Boom. Boom.

Mr. Duck was dead now.

Underneath, the infamous 'Made in China' was written.

* * *

><p>China shuddered meanwhile.<p>

* * *

><p>Austria stared at his dress.<p>

Yes.

The dress.

It was purple. Shiny.

And had a cute little brooch.

And why was his hair up in a French braid?

* * *

><p>France was meanwhile stalking Iceland for his posterior.<p>

* * *

><p>There was a wide selection of tea in front of him.<p>

Green, Earl Gray, Lipton, Boston, Purple and definitely Happy.

He decided to go with the jug of juice beside them.

And nervously sipped.

Hungary herself was dressed up.

He couldn't help but stare at her as well.

A pink dress.

With pale brown designs all over.

Austria choked on his juice.

Then commented that it was too hot.

Hungary smiled wide and drank her tea.

Just like how a women would.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, England was crying and whining about the sudden tea depletion.<p>

Scotland, Wales and Ireland were wearing ear plugs.

* * *

><p>Austria was now busy playing with the toy piano Hungary produced.<p>

She looked so adorable.

His heart broke a little.

So, Austria broke the piano.

And proceeded to destroy Hungary's Room of Doom.

Which's owner had fainted from the super-girly mode usage.

And Austria picked her up.

And took her to his own special room.

* * *

><p>Prussia meanwhile, was horrified at the fact that Hungary was being whisked away by Austria into the white room of doom!<p>

He called over Gilbird and then started writing a message to Switzerland.

Only that idiot could help!

* * *

><p>Well then.<p>

What's in it?

That's an entirely different matter now, isn't it?

* * *

><p>My net sucks. Could not upload this for days.<p>

Anywho, this is Hungary's ARYNE. Next is definitely Austria's~

**Enjoy, hoooray~ :D**


	4. A Thought You'll Never Know

**A Thought You'll Never Know**

* * *

><p>Hungary opened her eyes.<p>

A dull throbbing took place.

Her head hurt.

No memory of the previous hour.

Didn't matter soon enough though.

She was draped over a lush red lounging sofa.

She had no idea how she was in a dress.

Which was pink.

And brown.

Hungary had the sudden urge to puke.

And just happened to taste it.

The tea.

The horrendous vile Earl Grey tea.

She stared around.

Colors of peach and green.

Modest furniture.

A piano.

A big bookcase.

Full of ornaments.

And books o'course.

Strangely, her picture too.

There was a 'Made in China' behind it too.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, China sneezed for the 8th time.<p>

He knew those talisman from Hong Kong didn't work!

The Cursed!

The Sneezes!

The Agony!

China sniffled his nose.

Idiots!

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, America sneezed as well.<p>

And called England for 'why' of it.

* * *

><p>Austria was sitting.<p>

With all his fingers intertwined.

Oh Mein Gott.

Austria must've broken his piano again!

No wonder he looked so weird.

Hungary let her imagination wonder.

Austria meanwhile watched the mental images in her head.

Which was round.

Soft.

Fluffy.

And coughed when the word read 'Big.'

Hungary startled out of her trance.

Too loud.

Too much cough.

Cough, cough, cough.

Austria stared around for some water.

He found none.

The cough went, by then.

He called her name after which.

Her sweet blissful name.

Which made men cry and pee their pants.

She responded with a grin.

While drawing on Prussia's portrait.

Which happened to be nearby.

This may take longer than thought.

* * *

><p>Prussia went to his room.<p>

He was still butt naked.

He would've preferred it but…

The air was cold!

He opened the door.

Switzerland was in his bed.

Sleeping.

And dreaming of cheese.

Prussia fainted.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Lichtenstein stared at Austria's kitchen.<p>

Spiffy and shiny.

Huge isn't it?

She stared at it.

All sparkly eyed and all.

* * *

><p>Hungary felt her head spin.<p>

Austria asked her so many questions.

He made her fill a sheet of paper!

This was seeming more like a therapy session!

Hungary screamed!

In agony!

Austria took notes as she did.

While nodding.

And plugging his ears.

Girls scream so loud.

He should look into the 'why' of it.

Hungary was running.

Austria didn't want that.

He blow-darted her.

And Hungary fell, all slow motion.

He caught her before her hair started flying slow-mo too.

He really hated that.

A sigh.

Maybe two.

And took Hungary back to her room.

The door closed with a slam.

It caused even Romano to quiver in his pants.

* * *

><p>Romano meanwhile cursed at the cold water Spain threw at him.<p>

Donkey-hole.

* * *

><p>Switzerland woke up with a start though!<p>

And growled.

Once more for effect.

And again cause it was fun.

Prussia.

On the floor.

Foaming at the mouth?

* * *

><p>Switzerla- due to the length of the name, we shall refer to him as Swiss.<p>

Cheese.

Etc.

* * *

><p>He got up and stared at the mirror.<p>

Why was he here?

Oh yes, to save Hungary from the maniacal psychiatrist.

Swiss hated him for that in the first place.

Always randomly quoting thesis from Dr. Freud.

No offense to the deceased.

But Swiss hated it.

Which was the reason why he intentionally aimed at making no friends.

He kicked Prussia just to show his point.

* * *

><p>Swiss called his sis.<p>

Lichtenstein, Lichtenstein!

Something was amiss.

And sis did love to faint.

* * *

><p>And so he dashed down.<p>

Only to find her in her horrid moods.

* * *

><p>So, what words shall I now fit?<p>

That's an entirely different matter now, isn't it?

* * *

><p><strong>4th chapter! Wooohoooooooo! :D<br>**

Well, this was obviously Austria's~ In case anyone has doubts, and missed the obviously mentioned obsession, Austria's secret love is being a therapist/psychiatrist/whatever!

Personally, I didn't want to turn this M rated.  
>...o.o<p>

Also, donkey-hole refers to something you people **should **know, but I don't wanna turn this into T rated either.  
>Simple and childish. With spooky ideas. o,o<p>

Now then, the review replying section~

In reply to **Anon,  
><strong>The grammar is **terribly** off. So off, I'm not even kidding. I sorta should've made it clear in the first chapta, but when I wrote 'trying this new baby out' I meant, this **terribly **off grammar-style.  
>If you'd read my other stories, you'd know I try several styles, butchering the very core of English. Like a boss, while I'm at it too. xP<br>English isn't my mother-tongue, and I'm sure I'm not so bad that I need audiobooks. I speak it more than my 1st language, Bengali, lol.  
>Ah, I disabled MS's grammar mistake spotters. . The pace the world's moving I don't think it's actually up-to-date to the ff criterion.<br>Oh, and a looot of huggies for the spelling part. . Since the chapters are direct from drafting, I just do a once-over. And still find mistakes. -.-  
>But thanku a loooot for the feedback! At least somebody's telling me a good job for spellings! :'D<p>

**Well, that was a complete waste of time, you slacker.  
><strong>Shut it. I replied, so go back to sleep.  
><strong>Whatever. Too harsh kid, too harsh.<br>**You're 12; I'm supposed to call you that!  
>*blablablbablablabla within two crazy people*<p>

**PS: Enjoy as next will be Lichtenstein's, undoubtedly. We have some business now. *shooshoo***


	5. A Chef You'll Never Cook

**A Chef You'll Never Cook**

* * *

><p>Lichtenstein was dancing.<p>

How did she manage to float?

Where did she get that hat?

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, England brawled as he searched under Scotland for his chef cap!<p>

His precious cap!

His overblown cap!

He was making a cure as it popped out of existence!

Stupid pixies!

Stupid curses!

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Norway sneezed.<p>

He blamed it on Denmark.

Who blamed it on Iceland.

And thus the process continued until each and every country was blamed except Canada.

* * *

><p>Back in the kitchen, Swiss was staring at the monstrous speed Lichtenstein was cooking.<p>

Austria was already a frugal person.

Thank God for Prussia.

At least he stocked up the fridge, the pantry and the wine cellar.

* * *

><p>Prussia sneezed.<p>

In his sleep.

While being naked.

And the world exploded with blood.

The end.

* * *

><p><strong>We lost inspiration. Not entirely my fault, but seriously her fault for being lazy to finish this.<strong>  
>Shut it.<br>And thus ends the painful subjugation to the unseen sides of Hetalia characters.  
><strong>Lol.<strong>

**PS: Enjhoy~ Harharharh**


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